Survivor’s Guilt Still Stays With Him
Brain cancer survivor Edwin has opened up about the struggles that have stayed with him even after surviving the disease. In a TikTok post, he shared several things he felt embarrassed to admit, starting with survivor’s guilt.
Edwin said people sometimes tell him that he is inspiring, but he struggles to accept the praise. He survived while others with similar illnesses did not, and he believes he was no braver or stronger than those who died. To him, he simply had a different outcome.
That leaves him questioning why his survival should make him an inspiration. Although the cancer battle itself may be over, Edwin’s post showed that some of the thoughts and emotions from that period have remained part of his everyday life.
He Still Has Nightmares About Cancer
Sleep can still be difficult for Edwin. After spending a year fighting cancer, he admitted that there are nights when he closes his eyes and wonders whether he will wake up the next morning. He also continues to have nightmares about his cancer returning.
Occasionally, he wakes at around 3am in a cold sweat with his heart pounding. A few hours later, however, his normal routine begins again. He gets up, takes his daughter to school, and goes to work, while the people around him may have no idea what happened during the night.
Getting older has also been on his mind. Edwin said turning 40 in four years scares him because, despite being 36, he still feels like he is in his 20s. He joked that he has the same personality and still makes the same stupid jokes while waiting to finally feel like a “proper adult.”
Surviving Cancer Did Not Make Him Fearless
Edwin also admitted that surviving cancer did not suddenly make him fearless. Instead, he said he has become more afraid of making mistakes and now second-guesses himself more than before. He can spend days thinking about a decision while trying to find an option where nothing could possibly go wrong.
At times, all that overthinking means he ends up doing nothing. Edwin also addressed the difference between what people see online and what may be happening away from the screen. He said social media often shows the highlights of someone’s life, while their harder moments remain unseen.
By opening up about his own experience, he said he wants to share more of the “good, the bad, and the ugly.” Edwin made it clear that his recovery is still a work in progress, saying he is still healing and is not okay all the time.
Fellow Cancer Survivors Show Their Support
The post received thousands of likes and supportive comments, including messages from people who had gone through cancer themselves. One viewer told Edwin there was “nothing to be embarrassed about” and encouraged him to appreciate the people who had stayed beside him during the hardest period of his life.
Edwin thanked the commenter for the message. Another viewer shared that they were a stage-three colon cancer survivor and encouraged him to live life to the fullest. Edwin replied, “Let’s live to 90 together.” He later left a message thanking everyone who had commented, sent him private messages, or offered words of encouragement.
Edwin said it had not been simple to share that side of himself publicly, which made the response especially meaningful. He added that the messages reminded him that he did not have to go through everything alone.
Watch the video here:
@edwingwy I’m 36. I survived brain cancer. And I’m embarrassed to admit these: 1. I still have survivor’s guilt. People tell me I’m an inspiration and I don’t know what to do with it. I made it but others like me didn’t. I wasn’t braver than them, i wasn’t stronger. I just got a different outcome. So when someone calls me inspiring, part of me thinks, inspiring for what. For being lucky? 2. I still get scared when I close my eyes at night It sounds silly at 36, being afraid to sleep. But after a year of fighting this thing, my body learnt something my brain can’t argue with. Some nights I lie there and part of me wonders if I’ll wake up. 3. I turn 40 in four years and it scares me I still feel like I’m in my 20s. Same head, same jokes, same guy. I keep waiting to feel like a proper adult and it hasn’t happened yet. 4. I still get nightmares about my cancer coming back Some nights I wake up at 3am in cold sweat, heart pounding and I just lie there in the dark until it passes. Then I get up, send my daughter to school, go to work, and nobody knows. 5. I’m afraid of making mistakes Everyone thinks surviving cancer makes you fearless. It didn’t. If anything I doubt myself more now. I sit on a decision for days looking for the version where nothing goes wrong. And while I’m doing that, I do nothing at all. 6. I shop at uniqlo women’s section. Their clothes are the best. Nuff said. Don’t believe everything you see on social media. Most of it is a highlight reel. Everyone is struggling with something in our life. So i’m going to share the whole thing. The good, the bad and the ugly. You don’t have to be ok all the time. Some days the right answer is give the middle finger and tell the world to wait and take the time you need to heal 🫶🏻 I’m still healing and if you’re healing from something too, you are not alone. Follow along and let do it together ☺️ #tiktoksg
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