3 years ago, I got BECCA for my A Levels

22.02.19.

That was the day I had received my A level results. Also, the day my heart was hit by the largest earthquake that I have ever experienced. I still vividly remember that day.

While my friends, one by one, went on stage as one of the scorers of 88.75/88.88/90 rank points, my heart beat restlessly and I kept asking “how badly did you.. just how badly…” When I was finally seated before my civics tutor, and opened the folder to see “B E C C A”, I did not know what I was supposed to feel. I was also one of those students who studied till 3am. I was one of those students who did every other JC’s past year papers. I was one of those students of dutifully went for every consultation. Instincts told me, run. I ran away from the hall and to the school’s roof. I was so lost I just wanted to die. I wanted to die so bad because I had sacrificed everything in those 2 years just so I could study. I sat there for hours before heading out for dinner and going home. Pre-earthquake warning.

Went home and showered, and in the shower room, it felt like the ice cold water had finally woke me up. I suddenly felt overwhelmed, I suddenly felt like crying, I suddenly felt disappointment, anger, resentment, regret all toward myself. I stifled the tears, and told myself firmly “you’ll get through this”. That night, I , lay in bed wide awake. My phone was constantly vibrating with conversations of peers wanting to chase their dreams. I breathed deeply and started weeping. I cried till I slept. Earthquake 1 magnitude, 4.0.

My former teachers sent me links to many stories of Singaporeans who succeeded in life despite fairing poorly for the A level results. I cried reading them – not because I was touched by their stories, but because I felt like I was expected to get back up and leave another story. What I had wanted was anyone to ask genuinely if I was alright, and not attempt to be comforted by success stories. I might have been overly sensitive though. Nonetheless, aftershock magnitude, 3.0.

Some days past, and I was at work again. I was thankful I had a difficult project. It forced me to stop thinking about my results, my future and how everyone else was doing. I gladly worked and worked crazy hard. I didn’t meet up with friends as often, and being in the ‘red’ zone of a research laboratory meant not having my phone with me either (a good excuse). I just kept working and working and one day, I realise all my friends had left me. I tried to mend some of those friendships, but nothing worked. Abandonment. Earthquake 2 magnitude, 7.0.

University came, and every single day, I woke up telling myself, A and no less. I studied hard, very hard. My weekly tests and quiz scores hovered around the 100s. I was even once angry with myself when I had scored 99.6. I developed an obsession. The weeks passed quickly and I was at my end-of-semester exams. Before walking into the examination hall, I told myself, you’ve studied, go ace it! Did I? Well, no I didn’t. The moment I sat down, my head started to spin, I felt desperate for air and was nauseous. What was that? I don’t know. Why is it happening to me? I don’t know. I grit my teeth and pushed through. Scored a B. Aftershock magnitude, 5.0.

Covid-19 came soon after and the world turned into a mess. I told myself, do not be wavered. I woke up each day reminding myself of how much I desire success. I reminded myself of my goal of wanting to pursue academia as a career. At the same time, I kept myself busy with part-time internships to learn beyond the scope of my syllabus and to ground me too. Something in me made me desire something more than just those As. I wanted the As, but I wanted to try new things. I was still not able to let go. Sometimes, I’d still be reminded of that day and I’d still cry. Sometimes, I’d still wonder why the As weren’t mind when I given my all. On those days, Aftershocks magnitude, 2.0.

Come August 2021, I embarked on a new journey. This consists of pursuing one year of my bachelor’s in a non-English-speaking country. I won’t be lying if I said I wasn’t worried that my grades would crash. Yet, strangely, I felt different when my plane landed. I felt empowered to try the things I’ve never done before, to step out of my comfort zone to make new friends and to learn zealously. Time passed really quickly, and I had some of the most wonderful professors, some of the most caring seniors, and some of the nicest friends. I have never felt pressured by the societal culture that expects students to study extremely hard. Instead, I thoroughly enjoyed the process and knew that I was never alone. For the first time ever, I came out of the semester with 6As despite my struggles with taking a maximum credit load, and had my group project selected to receive support and funding for patenting. Soon after, I was doing an internship at one of the professor’s laboratory and not long after, I was standing on stage receiving an award for my research. It all happened so quickly, I haven’t had the time to process any of those, but I know one thing for sure, failures don’t last. Earthquake recovery.

Has it been easy? No it’s never been. I have lost myself more times than I’ve found myself. I sometimes still fall into thinking I am not good enough and I sometimes still desperately wish I could change my past. However, I am learning to accept that in every day of living and conquering, I am learning to be a stronger person, both in and out. I know, if I ever fall into a dark pit ever again, I definitely have what it takes to climb back out.

This isn’t a story of a Singaporean who once faired poorly academically and eventually succeeded in life. If you remember, I hated that. Instead, this is a story of a Singaporean who had to scale a steeper side of the mountain just to chase her dreams.

(The caveat: it still hurts at times – that is reality – and I am still learning to find my footing, but the very least I know is that I’m growing through these all)

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